Self-Imposed Silence

 I'm a cheerleader.  Not the super cute pom pom swinging kind, I'm the get behind friends and family fiercely supporting their dreams kind.  (Although I do think I'm pretty cute!) I'm fearless when it comes to helping others.

Years ago a girlfriend was having a problem with the guy she was dating.  I knew they needed to talk, but she was really sad and he was.......a guy. So I forced her to drive me to his apartment complex. Once we got there she wouldn't get out of the car, I didn't know the apartment number, so I proceeded to knock on very door in the building until she relented.  Did I mention that it was after 1:00 am? He came running out of the building like his hair was on fire, they talked and everyone was happy.   

That was me in friend mode.  I was willing to risk looking foolish and possibly getting in trouble with building security to make sure my friend got what she needed. When it comes to others, there is no shutting me up.

Too bad that's all I do when it comes to myself.  I've been silencing my own voice for years.  Stopping before I start. There is a long list of passions I talked myself out of pursuing.

 Fashion Design, check. Interior Design, check, Artist, check. Event Planning, check.  I didn't need a boutique, client or gallery to tell me I wasn't good enough, I said it to myself. All the while wondering how other people could get out there and go after what they wanted. Sometimes their ideas weren't even as fully developed as mine were, but they pushed fear and doubt aside and kept going while I froze.  You can't win when you don't even show up to play.

History was about to repeat itself again.  I'd stopped writing.  What if no one reads, follows, comments? What if all the work goes nowhere? I was what if'g again and I knew it had to stop. This blog makes me happy. The concepts, the pictures, the posts, creativity is such a rush. 

 I wish I could sit here and write about how I conquered all my demons and now forge ahead full of confidence every day......I'd like to write that, but I'd be lying if I did. The truth is I battle with feelings that make me want to cut and run all the time. Some days I'm paralyzed by doubt, some days I don't publish.  In the past I'd just quietly stop blogging and let my dream fade like the others.  Today I just keep going. I write every day, and every time I do I win. No more self- imposed silence.

It's time I become my own cheerleader.